By Sathya Callender
You may suffer sorrow and pain on this side of Heaven, but JOY cometh in the morning! Just ask me! Following is my “Love” story…
I thought I was experiencing true love, yet somehow found myself in an 18-month toxic relationship with a guy who hadn’t gone through the healing process after a relationship that failed after 14 years. How, then, could he call himself loving me? I soon learned that the love I felt (or what appeared to be love) was nothing more than lust. On the surface, everything appeared to be so genuine between us—but that’s why it’s said, “Looks can be deceiving.” Indeed, things may not always be what they seem.
A person can look you in the eyes and tell you how much they love you without sincerity. Perhaps those words are spoken to put you in a “comfortable place” with them. Have you ever heard the expression, “Hurt people hurt people”?
The man I thought loved me was still hurting and had yet to be completely healed from his pain. He was insecure, didn’t know what unconditional love was, and didn’t know how to give or receive love because he hadn’t experienced reciprocated love in the past. He was raised to survive—and those lessons were not taught with love.
Nonetheless, I grew to love him for who he was. I began showing him what I knew how to do: give love.
I invested time in trying to understand why he rejected my love. Why did he tell me not to show him? Why would anyone reject the love of their partner—the one they profess to love? Actions speak louder than words, correct?
As time progressed, I began to think I was a rebound and that all he wanted was someone to remove the thoughts of him being hurt in the past. Still, I knew the desires of MY heart. I knew what I wanted and needed, and that relationship wasn’t fulfilling either.
In response to all I was enduring, I started praying more than ever. I asked God to show me if the relationship was meant to be. “God, what am I doing wrong? How could someone not want unconditional love?” I asked.
I then began reflecting on different conversations my love and I had where he stated he had been cheated on, belittled, used, and abused. No wonder he was clueless about the benefits of unconditional love and why he rejected my love! I understood why he was insecure and lacked ambition.
After gaining that understanding, I said to myself, “Well, maybe I can continue to show him with my actions. He’ll then understand and follow suit.” All I was doing, however, was pouring myself more and more into a toxic, broken relationship that wasn’t meant to be. That man needed to heal!
Time went by, and God showed me signs that my ‘love’ wasn’t who He had for me, yet I continued to allow my feelings to take over and wallow in guilt. I kept saying to God, “But I love him so much!” I kept feeling bad, but how could I feel that way for someone who didn’t feel bad for himself? I continued to hold out hope that he would realize just how much I loved him.
My efforts were fruitless. I slowly lost the essence of myself while trying to prove something to a man who was blind to my love fruit. Of course, nothing changed. He remained a bitter, hurt man. The man I loved unconditionally didn’t love me in return—period! What a hard pill to swallow after 18 months!
For 18 months, I remained in a stagnant relationship.
For 18 months, I tried to prove my love to a man who didn’t know what real love was, even when it was right in his face.
Talk about one-sided! All he knew was what was in it for him. Forget about me; I was irrelevant.
It was time for self-evaluation and self-reflection. As I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw a beautiful queen who was full of intelligence, wisdom, knowledge, and had a whole LOT of love to give…to the right man. I began to rethink what “true love” really was.
I knew it wasn’t hurt, pain, and sorrow! Was I in a relationship that I wanted to continue dealing with? Was it what God truly desired for His beautiful daughter? Absolutely not! Although patience is truly a virtue and must be practiced, I believe that loving ourselves and our Heavenly Father is much more important than giving ourselves to others who are undeserving. We can’t expect love from anyone if we don’t love ourselves first.
Loneliness is something that can lead to toxic relationships, leaving us to “settle” when we know better. We must learn to set standards and know that the right man or woman will meet those standards without us having to lower them. Wait on the LORD! We don’t know what’s best for us; only GOD does—so, why not wait? I want everything God has for me and nothing of what I think is best for me.
I removed myself from that toxicity and began focusing on myself and growing that closer relationship with God. I had gotten to the point I no longer wanted to date. I started enjoying the fact of dating myself, after all I had lost myself so it felt amazing to start loving me again.
As time went by one of my girlfriend’s decided to share how she met her fiancé on Facebook dating. I said “congratulations”! I was so happy that she was happy but still had no desire to date and knew if God wanted me with someone surely he would have to find me because I was done my way which was looking.
Moving forward, after my girlfriend continuously chatting with me about Facebook dating I decided to finally set up a profile. I remember stating to her “there was no need because I wasn’t interested”and her telling me I should at least try something different and meet a friend. Months later here I’m with this profile and no interest in the guys that were contacting me.
I would often get a hello, your beautiful, why are you single? My response was to the point and I was bitter. Facebook dating shows you profiles of guys that match your profile so I would get them and delete. There was one particular guy ( Mr Wilson) who just stood out to me, not sure what about him that just gave me the feeling he would be a good friend I can chat with at times.
I decided to like his profile not expecting anything out of it. Well the next day I get a polite message thanking me for liking his profile. To move forward he had provided his number but it was several weeks before I used it, when I finally called he was surprised. We began our conversations that were mainly about business. Still in my mind not wanting to pursue anything.
Weeks went by of conversation and seeing each other until the day we mutually decided we wanted more then friendship. That friendship eventually turned into dating, engagement , and married. Til this day we sometimes have those conversations about how it all happened. Two years together and 8 months married and my weakness are his strengths and his strengths are my weaknesses. We compliment each other so much it’s scary sometimes, yet we have our similarities.
During our dating (Mr Wilson) told me he’d been single for a few years and prayed to God specifically for what he wanted in a wife and that was me. My mother in law strangely has been calling me daughter from the beginning and I found that weird, she stated she knew I was for her son.
It was that moment I gave up dating and focused on loving me and my closer relationship with God that my life partner came into my life. We often say to each other that we’re each other’s all in all. What really touched my heart was him praying with me and saying affirmations with me daily, that’s something I ask God for. To all the ladies reading, true love do exist, let it find you!
My beautiful wife whom I prayed three years for. She’s my angel in times of darkness. My wife’s joy for loving is my lightness which helps me to be a better person. Your devotion in helping me do things I might not be able to is heart warming. Your intelligence i can resist. Your love for empowering others, your passions for the domestic violence community brings even more joy to my heart in knowing I chose my forever.
Mrs. Sathya Callender Wilson, I love you dearly and thank you for saying yes. To all the men, let God show you who your life partner is but first I will say, make sure your ready for what you prayed for. A wife is a blessing from God and she’s to be loved, respected, honored, and adored, she is your Queen. True love do exist!!
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